Mixed (Day 4)

I have experienced the rainbow of emotions today. Above just captures the tired and frustrated. Tired co-consumed 100% of my day while frustration only equaled about 4%. I would have to say that I was in a pleasant mood 90% of the day. I started out a little later than usual but I felt really good this morning. I guess it helps when you have a pleasant conversation before bed. Work was long but I made it through with a smile and it was genuine. God has blessed me with an excellent group of co-workers.

I got to talk to my mother for about 5 minutes on the ride home from work. I kind of wanted to talk longer but she is out of town and was having dinner.  I wanted to whine to her. That feeling of wanting to be a baby to my mother got me thinking. I realized that I can't remember ever crying in my mother's arms or lap. I have cried around her or over the phone but I don't remember ever crying on her while being comforted by her.  I AM NOT saying that my mother ever told me I could not or that she would not allow me. I guess I just have a self imposed moratorium on it. I feel like I would make her worried or stressed. No mother wants to see their child cry tears of sadness so I have chosen not to burden her with such things whenever possible. I am very sure that any tears I have shed in front of her have been ones fueled by anger and not sadness.  I think I really want that cuddly type of relationship with my mother but I think it would make her uncomfortable. Please please please whoever is reading this do not think that my mother is cold, heartless, unloving, or not caring. She is an excellent mother who has shown me love  my whole life. She still takes care of me and I love her more than words. This is not a complaint or me saying that she is a poor mother in anyway. I am beyond blessed to have her as a mother. She has instilled in me so many wonderful qualities such as my work ethic and independence. I simply am exploring my feelings not judging what is.

I was feeling a bit nauseous, had a headache, and was tired but I went straight to the Library after work! I made no excuses. I carried that determination over from day 2 and made my study time happen. That really helped lower the feeling of being overwhelmed and it made the task of studying appear do able. I will be honest...deep down I had my doubts but I worked through them and that is a great feeling.

I loved that I smiled today. I will vow to wear a smile real or not for at least half of my day tomorrow. I also want to work on not let the devil use others to elicit negative emotional responses from me. I will focus on the truth and not lies.

Day 4 down, 361 more to go!