I am sinking to the bottom of an emotional pool. Between work, my exam, and conversations I have had today I feel like I am drowning. I am not a strong swimmer. I don't think I expect too much from life or those in it. I really give my personal relationships my all. I am hoping to one day get some of the which I have sowed back. I pray I have a harvest season soon. My tank is quite empty.
Everyday one usually hopes to be closer to their dreams like goapele but I just feel further away. Saying to myself that I am beautiful, strong, and loved feels like lies today. I know this thought is irrational but it is one of those days. I sometimes feel like if those things were true I wouldn't be such a mess on the inside and that I would have a better half by now. I know God loves me and for that alone I should be overjoyed...It makes me feel bad that I'm not. Low self-esteem runs in a vicious cycle for me. I feel bad about me...that makes me feel bad that I am not stronger...which in turn makes me feel worse... I will feel better tomorrow. Actually I am feeling a little better as I write. This is actually very therapeutic for me.
I get my Bridesmaid dress sized for alterations tomorrow evening. Trying not to let that stress me out. I want to stay positive or I won't make it through the wedding. I will talk about how it goes tomorrow. It will be nice to see my mother. I haven't seen her since I went to buy the gown about a month ago.
Today I didn't smile as much during the day. I had a lot on my mind and it distracted me from my goal...Speaking of goals I passed my first exam with a B! No day ever has no positive. I just have to remember to hold on to those things instead of the negative. Tomorrow I will definitely be SMILING like I set out to do and stoping all negative thoughts immediately.
Day 10 down...355 more to go!
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