Above is me practicing smiling even when the inside doesn't match. Today was not a good day. Last night ended on a strange note that carried into the morning and throughout the day. The person that I spent Valentine's Day with is having trouble really trusting me. I am not upset for the recent reason that caused the thoughts of mistrust...I can see how he felt that way. I just hope that he really looks at our situation and how I am everyday and sees that I am honest with him. I am not the "player" type. I am a genuine person and I put to much out for the one I love to be spreading that kind of effort around town. Yes, I have options, time, and space but I CHOOSE him. He completes me in a way that no one else ever has. He challenges me to be a better woman and loves me for who I am. I feel hopeless because I can't make him trust me...this would be easier for me to deal with if I actually was up to no good. Then I would feel that the mistrust is warranted and that I deserve not to be spoken to or really trusted. I question whether I will find someone who is willing to let me all the way in and be my partner in this crazy thing called life. Just another issue I try to deal with everyday.
I can be very honest here and say that I struggle with trust as well. Your past does effect the person you are and how guarded you are in certain situations. I know many women are after him. We live a hour apart. I don't know for 100% what goes on with him when he is not here. I only know what I am told. I could be one of many. I was lucky enough to get V-day night, but who got the day time before me, and who gets today, tomorrow, and the next days until I see him again. There are many other thoughts that I could let ruin my day. I could let them race through my mind and consume me...but I don't. Why? I trust him. I have to. If I don't why be with him? He has given me no reason to doubt him so I take his word as truth. So though my past experiences tell me that everything that runs through my head is POSSIBLE it in highly IMPROBABLE based on the person he has shown me. Trusting another like that is a choice like everything in life. I am choosing to smile through my day, I am choosing to continue to write this blog, and I am choosing to love. I have plenty of past reasons not to trust or love like this anymore but I don't want that kind of life. I want to live, really live so I fight my fears and let myself go. The risk is worth the greatness of the potential outcome.
So yea...today...not so good... Test is tomorrow...as evidenced from the past blogs, my mind has not been in the books. I have to study tonight. The devil is a trip. He knows that when I go through emotional things I have the hardest time studying and focusing. I just want to sleep when I am down. I am writing this now feeling a bit sad and nervous, wanting just to sleep the heartache away. I will not let him win! The devil is defeated in Jesus' name. I have power and dominion over him through the power of the Blood of Christ and the Word that is Him. Thank you Lord in advance for carrying me through this exam to come. I know I will see a positive result in the end thanks to Your Grace and Mercy, Amen.
Tomorrow I will be focused and more prayerful. I also will pass my exam and feel better about my self and my personal situation. It is confusing but I trust that clarity will come soon enough. I will continue to smile. I choose to be happy!
Day 9 down...356 more to go!
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