Hero (Day 14)

I was totally moved today by the kindness of another. Someone close to me is going SUPER out of their way to help me. My car is having issues that I believe to be related to work that was performed on it this weekend. This very special person has offered to take me to and from work and home everyday until the car is fixed. This outstanding individual has volunteered to go to and from work in the District to Frederick everyday until the problem is resolved. Who does that for someone...VB does. So happy that I have a hero like that on my side. When the offer was made it took all I had not to cry. You only meet someone like this once in a lifetime and I thank God that I was blessed to have met such a person.

Things are going well for me overall. I didn't do very well on my exam but not so poorly that I can't recover. I have a game plan for how to prepare for this class properly.  My brother's wedding is next week. I really am very happy and spool proud of him. Those feelings of dread are melting away regarding that. I just pray his marriage is one that can be an example of what a it should be.

Today's quote is:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” Albert Einstein

This is how I try to focus my thought especially when I am going through rough spots in my life. Everything we go through can teach us something. Never let a lesson from what you have gone through in the past go unmastered. Do not waste the time right here and now that you are blessed with doing nothing to make today better than yesterday. Then, even though tomorrow isn't promised, have hope that if you get the chance things will get better and you will progress. Negative things come from negative people. Circumstances don't make you negative. I have met people who have and are going through things that I don't think I could handle. They still smile, are kind to EVERYONE around them, and still have hope for tomorrow. Your situation is not an excuse. Choose to be positive. Also, sometimes you have to let go of negative people and situations. When you do joy and positive things will return to your life.

Today I will do what?...SMILE of course!!! Lol I will also prepare for classes tomorrow and on campus lab that begins this weekend. I am still working on my inner butterfly. Having a group of positive people around you really makes that a lot easier.

14 days down...351 more to go!

Many Beginnings Aren't Bad (Day 13)

This is my first post in many days. I haven't given up just had some bumps in the road. I am so happy now. Happy with myself and with those in my life. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone you meet has the chance to enrich your life if you are able to see what it is God wants you to learn. Some people are meant for a season and others a lifetime.
Just because I have stopped writing for a bit doesn't mean I have failed. I started this as a journey of self discovery and I vow to have 365 posts even if it means it will take me more than 365 days to do it. The end of something just means that another beginning is about to start. Another chance to learn from mistakes and work towards your goals.
Today's quote is:
"What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly." ~Lao Tzu~
This is very true. I feel like I am that caterpillar. I don't really know how beautiful I will be come when this is all over but I know that something is changing inside me. I don't have to say that this is my year. Everyday I live is a blessing and mine because God gave it to me. It is my responsibility to make it better than the day before.
I will try my best to smile. It has been a lot easier lately. I would be lying if I denied VB was a major reason for that. I will work on the changes I need to make on the inside so that I can change into the most beautiful butterfly that I can be when I am ready. I also need to adjust how I study for my classes. I have gotten a couple new "toys" to help with this.
13 days down...352 more to go!

Hobbling Queen (Day 12)

 

I did it I made it through the day no back downs from my fears or life's stresses. That is all I really want to say about today. The weather was very nice and I wish that I could have enjoyed more of it. I met with my stress lab partner tonight. We had to develop a group therapy session with the topic of meditation. My partner did an excellent job of getting the meat of the presentation together for us so it was easy to organize the pieces and find the extra materials such as scripts and music that we would play during one of the exercises.

Today's quote is

"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life."

Herbert Otto

I picked this quote because I think it kind of sums up the place I am in my life and why I am even writing this blog. You can not experience a change or growth in your life or as a person if you continue to do things the way you have always done them. I needed something to challenge me so I have committed to writing an entry everyday...no matter how tardy...lol and I am taking a risk by making my "growing pains" public.

Tomorrow I will keep the quote from today in mind when I face adversity. I will let it remind me of why I am doing or experiencing some of the things that I have been. I will be positive about tomorrow's class and fully participate in my classmate's sessions. Oh...and of course smile.

Day 12 down...353 more to go!

Better (Day 11)

I ended today feeling better than I started it which is a great thing. Rough but needed conversations took place. I learned that I need to work harder at letting my thoughts and feelings out. If I have to I will write it down and make sure to verbalize it. I felt really heavy emotionally. I am so easily able to get my feelings out in this blog because I can take my time to write it. It is less stressful than a conversation because I don't have to understand and express what I am feeling instantly. I am what is termed an "internal processor" Visit this blog Personality Types and scroll down to type #3. That is me all the way except that I am not shy nor do I feel overwhelmed at parties or gatherings. I am asking those around me to take that into consideration. That is how I process information and is a part of who I am. Everyone is different and one type is no better than another. It is not a negative thing or a positive thing it is just me.

The dress fitting went well. My friend drove me and met my mother when I went to pick up the dress. The meeting went well, whew! *wipes forehead* I didn’t think that it wouldn’t you just never know. lol The fitting itself went very well except for the $120+ dollars it cost me! The dress itself was the same price, *sigh* oh well... I will have to wear flats...boo! My mother, not the bride or groom, but my mother says that I must cover my tattoo. I don't want to. It will be a hassle for nothing. We will see how that goes. If she wants it covered she can buy the makeup and apply it as well. I go back on the 4th of March to try on the finished product. I did well at the store personally as well. I had sad feelings hit me for just a second walking past the brides-to-be but I squashed it and moved on. I was proud of myself.

I didn't smile as much today as I would have liked but it was an improvement over yesterday. I am going to end with a quote and talk about what it means to me and how I will apply it to my day tomorrow. S/O to KP for the suggestion!

 

“He who limps is still walking”

                                      – Stanislaw J. Lec

I selected this because I felt like I am limping through life emotionally at times. When I have a not so good day I feel defeated and like I am not going anywhere. But the quote is true though my movements my not be perfect and it is harder for me than maybe someone else I am still living and making forward progress "walking" each day. I am only defeated when I sit out of life by withdrawing and losing focus on my goals. So with that said, tomorrow I will not sit out of life. I will not let myself have any moments where I withdraw or go so deep into my grief that I loose sight of my goals.

Day 11 down...354 more to go!

Drowning (Day 10)

I am sinking to the bottom of an emotional pool. Between work, my exam, and conversations I have had today I feel like I am drowning. I am not a strong swimmer. I don't think I expect too much from life or those in it. I really give my personal relationships my all. I am hoping to one day get some of the which I have sowed back. I pray I have a harvest season soon. My tank is quite empty.

Everyday one usually hopes to be closer to their dreams like goapele but I just feel further away. Saying to myself that I am beautiful, strong, and loved feels like lies today. I know this thought is irrational but it is one of those days. I sometimes feel like if those things were true I wouldn't be such a mess on the inside and that I would have a better half by now. I know God loves me and for that alone I should be overjoyed...It makes me feel bad that I'm not. Low self-esteem runs in a vicious cycle for me. I feel bad about me...that makes me feel bad that I am not stronger...which in turn makes me feel worse... I will feel better tomorrow. Actually I am feeling a little better as I write. This is actually very therapeutic for me.

I get my Bridesmaid dress sized for alterations tomorrow evening. Trying not to let that stress me out. I want to stay positive or I won't make it through the wedding. I will talk about how it goes tomorrow. It will be nice to see my mother. I haven't seen her since I went to buy the gown about a month ago.

Today I didn't smile as much during the day. I had a lot on my mind and it distracted me from my goal...Speaking of goals I passed my first exam with a B! No day ever has no positive. I just have to remember to hold on to those things instead of the negative. Tomorrow I will definitely be SMILING like I set out to do and stoping all negative thoughts immediately.

Day 10 down...355 more to go!

Helplessness (Day 9)

Above is me practicing smiling even when the inside doesn't match. Today was not a good day. Last night ended on a strange note that carried into the morning and throughout the day. The person that I spent Valentine's Day with is having trouble really trusting me. I am not upset for the recent reason that caused the thoughts of mistrust...I can see how he felt that way. I just hope that he really looks at our situation and how I am everyday and sees that I am honest with him. I am not the "player" type. I am a genuine person and I put to much out for the one I love to be spreading that kind of effort around town. Yes, I have options, time, and space but I CHOOSE him. He completes me in a way that no one else ever has. He challenges me to be a better woman and loves me for who I am. I feel hopeless because I can't make him trust me...this would be easier for me to deal with if I actually was up to no good. Then I would feel that the mistrust is warranted and that I deserve not to be spoken to or really trusted. I question whether I will find someone who is willing to let me all the way in and be my partner in this crazy thing called life. Just another issue I try to deal with everyday.

I can be very honest here and say that I struggle with trust as well. Your past does effect the person you are and how guarded you are in certain situations. I know many women are after him. We live a hour apart. I don't know for 100% what goes on with him when he is not here. I only know what I am told. I could be one of many. I was lucky enough to get V-day night, but who got the day time before me, and who gets today, tomorrow, and the next days until I see him again. There are many other thoughts that I could let ruin my day. I could let them race through my mind and consume me...but I don't. Why? I trust him. I have to. If I don't why be with him? He has given me no reason to doubt him so I take his word as truth. So though my past experiences tell me that everything that runs through my head is POSSIBLE it in highly IMPROBABLE based on the person he has shown me. Trusting another like that is a choice like everything in life. I am choosing to smile through my day, I am choosing to continue to write this blog, and I am choosing to love. I have plenty of past reasons not to trust or love like this anymore but I don't want that kind of life. I want to live, really live so I fight my fears and let myself go. The risk is worth the greatness of the potential outcome.

So yea...today...not so good... Test is tomorrow...as evidenced from the past blogs, my mind has not been in the books. I have to study tonight. The devil is a trip. He knows that when I go through emotional things I have the hardest time studying and focusing. I just want to sleep when I am down. I am writing this now feeling a bit sad and nervous, wanting just to sleep the heartache away. I will not let him win! The devil is defeated in Jesus' name. I have power and dominion over him through the power of the Blood of Christ and the Word that is Him. Thank you Lord in advance for carrying me through this exam to come. I know I will see a positive result in the end thanks to Your Grace and Mercy, Amen.

Tomorrow I will be focused and more prayerful. I also will pass my exam and feel better about my self and my personal situation. It is confusing but I trust that clarity will come soon enough. I will continue to smile. I choose to be happy!

Day 9 down...356 more to go!

Excited (Day 8)

Today is Valentine's Day. Pretty excited and nervous about it. I am actually spending it with someone that I really love and I though I show him love every time I see him I want to it to be a little more special this time. I have been running around since yesterday to make sure I had everything I needed so that he would be content upon his arrival. I called ahead for sushi from my favorite spot so I wouldn't have to wait and make it home in plenty of time to prepare. I have a really cute card and wrote from my heart in it. I know he loves me as well so the extra effort and time is more than worth it.

I really didn't want to have the "V-Day sucks" attitude that I normally have each year. I usually have felt that way even when i was with someone. I guess I usually don't feel loved throughout the year so on the day when even the worst guy shows his girl love...and I wasn't getting any...made me a little bitter. Bitter is for losers and I am a winner! lol So none of that this year. It doesn't matter if some guy shows me love or not. I love myself and God loves me so I am more than good. :-)

I smiled today and said hello as planned. It is really becoming a natural thing for me and I am doing it more instinctively now. There really are benefits to doing it. I challenge everyone who reads this to try it right now! lol I did fight a moment of negative thinking but I crushed it immediately and moved on. No tears today!!! That is always a good thing. Tomorrow I plan to stay positive and hopefully be running off of a high from tonight. :-)

Day 8 down...357 more to go!

Not Bad (Day 7)

The title pretty much sums up my day. The group I had to lead went very well. All of the participants thanked me many times and told me what a great job I did. I explained what stress was to the group first and where stress in our lives can come from. There are four main sources of stress. They are the environment, social pressures, physiological, and YOUR own thoughts. Your own thoughts are really the ones that anyone has the most control over. It basically means that how you interpret certain stimuli determines whether it will be perceived as stressful to you. For example, you go into work and see your boss with a grimace on his/her face and they appear a bit out of sorts. If you see this and think immediately that, " Oh no, they are in a bad mood. I must have really messed something up this time. I know they are going to have something negative to say about me today." YOU have made that into a negative stressor for you. Your boss' facial expressions could be for a number of reason...They didn't sleep well due to illness, maybe they just got some personal bad news...none of those things has anything to so with you. If you had thought of it that way first, you would have prevented a moment of stress.
Next, I had the group write out and give an example to everyone of one thing that stresses them. Then we talked about how they currently cope with those stresses and I taught them about 3 positive and free ways to cope with the stress in their lives. The three coping tools were exercise, journaling/writing, and Negative thought stopping. You can read more about the last one here: Five R's of Negative Thought Stopping If you need more clarity on this or just want to talk more about it, feel free to contact me! I actually used this today. I was starting to think negative thoughts about myself and my personal life. As soon as I "recognized" the thought I said No out loud, took a deep breath, reframed the thought into something positive, and moved on. :) I also continued to smile and greet everyone...SO POSITIVE! It makes me feel good.

Tomorrow is Monday and Valentine's Day. I am going to be glad about the day instead of anti-V-day as I have been in the past. I will not wear all black tomorrow and I will continue to smile and greet everyone. I have a lot to smile about and I should start showing that on the outside.

Day 7 down...358 more to go!

Ok! (Day 6)

I had such a good night Friday that those feelings carried over into my day. I had clinicals from 7-2:30 and all went well. I went home relaxed for an hour and then hit the road with a friend. We went shopping in Hagerstown. Old Navy was the only place I wanted to go. I had a return to make and was hoping to find something cute to exchange it with...No such luck. The one thing that I liked was not in my size and no other store had it. *sigh* I didn't let that get me down. I made up for it by finding a skirt suit at Macy's for $40!!! It was such a good buy. I felt great after that.

I must have pulled a muscle in my upper back on Thursday. It wasn't noticeable until this morning. It hurts but I fought through it. I didn't even take medicine for it. By the end of my outing I was exhausted and I have clinicals again tomorrow. I have to try and get some rest. I will be co-presenting a group on identifying your sources of stress and positive ways to cope with them. I am nervous about it but there is something about working with patients that makes it easier for me to speak in front of them. I will be sure to talk about that experience tomorrow.

I did what I said I would and that is saying hello to everyone that I saw with a big smile on my face. It went wonderfully. I felt good saying hello to people and everyone who made eye contact with me smiled back. I think smiling is like yawning. When one person does it the other people around them end up doing it as well. I think that my body associates the act of smiling with happiness so despite the fact that I was in pain and tired I felt OK! It was a really easy and quick way to keep my mood up throughout the day. Tomorrow I would like to continue to smile and greet everyone. I am also going to try a negative thought stopping technique that I will present tomorrow during group. I will go into detail about that in tomorrow's post. :)

6 days down...359 to go!

Attacked (Day 5)

 














The devil really doesn't like to see me happy. I woke up feeling OK and had every intention of having a fantastic day...That didn't last long. The first "attack" came via someone from my past. I allowed them to get under my skin and acted out of character as a result. I felt mad at myself for being weak in that situation but felt really good that I had put my foot down and took a stand for my feelings. I am not the best person in the world but I am not close to being the worse. You know what? If not another human ever loves me or sees my worth...it will be alright because God loves me and I love myself as well.

So my mood went back up after to getting support from a friend. Having someone publicly proclaim that they are there for you, even if via a social networking site, feels wonderful. The day at work progressed well. I laughed, and enjoyed my time with co-workers. But, as it seems to often go, the better I feel the lower I will feel later. I did not react well to negative thoughts that popped in my head and it caused me to hurt someone's feelings and ruin my morale. I let the negative thinking breed and produce more negative thoughts and fear.  But, all was not lost...With the lows comes the highs as well. Outstanding company never fails to wash away the blues.

Tomorrow will include study and recreational time. I hope to participate in a little window retail therapy. lol I also want to really work hard at stopping the negativity when it first starts and countering it with a positive. I also want to say hello to everyone I meet today while wearing a huge smile. I think it will help me feel happier and maybe brighten someone's day in the process.

Mixed (Day 4)

I have experienced the rainbow of emotions today. Above just captures the tired and frustrated. Tired co-consumed 100% of my day while frustration only equaled about 4%. I would have to say that I was in a pleasant mood 90% of the day. I started out a little later than usual but I felt really good this morning. I guess it helps when you have a pleasant conversation before bed. Work was long but I made it through with a smile and it was genuine. God has blessed me with an excellent group of co-workers.

I got to talk to my mother for about 5 minutes on the ride home from work. I kind of wanted to talk longer but she is out of town and was having dinner.  I wanted to whine to her. That feeling of wanting to be a baby to my mother got me thinking. I realized that I can't remember ever crying in my mother's arms or lap. I have cried around her or over the phone but I don't remember ever crying on her while being comforted by her.  I AM NOT saying that my mother ever told me I could not or that she would not allow me. I guess I just have a self imposed moratorium on it. I feel like I would make her worried or stressed. No mother wants to see their child cry tears of sadness so I have chosen not to burden her with such things whenever possible. I am very sure that any tears I have shed in front of her have been ones fueled by anger and not sadness.  I think I really want that cuddly type of relationship with my mother but I think it would make her uncomfortable. Please please please whoever is reading this do not think that my mother is cold, heartless, unloving, or not caring. She is an excellent mother who has shown me love  my whole life. She still takes care of me and I love her more than words. This is not a complaint or me saying that she is a poor mother in anyway. I am beyond blessed to have her as a mother. She has instilled in me so many wonderful qualities such as my work ethic and independence. I simply am exploring my feelings not judging what is.

I was feeling a bit nauseous, had a headache, and was tired but I went straight to the Library after work! I made no excuses. I carried that determination over from day 2 and made my study time happen. That really helped lower the feeling of being overwhelmed and it made the task of studying appear do able. I will be honest...deep down I had my doubts but I worked through them and that is a great feeling.

I loved that I smiled today. I will vow to wear a smile real or not for at least half of my day tomorrow. I also want to work on not let the devil use others to elicit negative emotional responses from me. I will focus on the truth and not lies.

Day 4 down, 361 more to go!

Overwhelmed (Day 3)

Most of the day I felt overwhelmed.  This impending exam is REALLY weighing on me. Having had the first week of class canceled due to the weather has just thrown me off. I learn mostly from class so since all the material from week 1 is solely my responsibility to learn...I am freaking out because I feel like I don't have enough time or energy to get the reading done.  I go online and look at the lists of handouts and PowerPoints to review. This is just as much information as in Med. Surgical. I only now class is only half as long and I am taking Psychiatric Nursing as well. I talked to a classmate about what material will be on the exam. That helped. She gave me a visual of the information and it helped make it seem more manageable. I really need some "Whooo Saaaa" time to put things into perspective.

Working full-time and doing school is not easy and I wouldn't trade it for the world. As I have gotten older I appreciate the challenge that going back to school has provided. I enjoy a class so much more when it doesn't come easy. There is something very satisfying about being able to do well after working really hard at something.  In my younger days having to put effort into something = NO FUN.  I guess this girl IS growing up! lol

The commute home was a practice in focusing and thought redirection. The devil again tried to get me. I fought back though! I turned off the radio and I prayed. I had a very nice, cleansing conversation with God. I am sure people on the road were a bit concerned. "Is she OK? She is talking to someone over there by herself and crying." Yes, I cried while I prayed today, in my car, on 270 northbound, and it felt great! God reminded me of how blessed I really am and how thankful I should be. He lifted some of the clouds the devil placed on my heart to keep me down. I know deep in my heart that when I sit and look at my life and where I am I should never feel down. God has and continues to do so much for me. All my needs are met and he really provides for all of my wants eventually. He truly is an on time God. God knows my heart, He made it, so he knows that I love him. I just need to do my part to live the life he intended for me to live and to continue to praise Him in my good times and my storms. The negative thoughts will come but I will not let them win!

Praying today in the car was extremely positive so I will incorporate that into my commute each day. You can never have to much one on one time with the Lord. I am going to also spend time at the library when I get home from work tomorrow. I never go there so I am hoping that the change of atmosphere will help me focus and allow me to get some much needed reading done.

Day 3 down, 362 more to go!

Determined (Day 2)

 

I want to start today's post by saying THANK YOU to all those who have read my first post and given me words of support and encouragement!!!

Determination is the word that best describes my mood today...oh yes and tired. LOL I believe that is a constant state at the moment. I did fairly well with controlling my thoughts. I did find that quiet time in the car is NOT a good thing for me. The commute home was the hardest part of my day. It seemed that most of the songs on the radio I could relate to and when I was almost home Cupid by 112 started. It was the only time that I almost cried today. That is a huge accomplishment for me because I cry most days and anytime I feel like I am going to cry...I do. So, yea me!! Also images of happy couples and pregnant woman are tough for me. I am not in "desperation mode" when it comes to this area of my life...not even close. I truly believe that God is preparing me for those things and when I am ready He will present me to my "Adam." The devil knows of my strong desire for those things so he tries to cause fear and doubt in my mind that I will never have the family life that I hope for. When these and other negative thoughts came into my head I would stop the thought, tell myself why it wasn't true and replace it with something positive. I also kept a devotional blog in my head that a friend sent to me this morning after reading my first post. ;-)

School anxiety is starting to increase now as well simply because each day brings me closer to exam #1 in Medical Surgical Nursing II. I know I said I would spend time studying but that didn't happen. My level of tiredness is such that I can't stay awake when reading...very frustrating. I will pray about it. God has brought me this far. I know He will not stop carrying me now. The day wasn't perfect but I don’t expect anyway to be, actually. I am just trying to make each new day better than the one before. 

Let's see...tomorrow is class day so that means I have to be out of the house EARLY to make it to work EARLY so that I can leave EARLY enough to make it to school on time. I liked how I stopped my negative thoughts today so I plan to continue that tomorrow. To improve I plan to find someone to talk to or listen to talk radio during my commute. I will most likely spend that time praying as well. I will let you know how that goes. I believe that it will go very well. (positive thoughts!)

Day 2 down, 363 more to go!

Inaugural Post (Day 1)

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...LOL Welcome to my personal journey of self discovery and growth. This blog is dedicated to me. What makes me tick, how I think, feel, and what I can do to make myself better one day at a time.
So let's see...I guess I will give you all the 5 W's
Who: Arica G.
What: A daily blog about my day with a photo to match my mood
Where: Everywhere I am
When: Everyday for 365 days
Why: I want do something that will stretch me as a person and help prepare me for my transition out of my 20's and in to the realities of true adulthood that my 30's will bring.
I plan to be fairly transparent in my writings as an attempt to be honest with my life just in case someone reading is going through the same thing. I can’t be helpful if I am not honest. I recognize that the things i go through are not unique or the worst ever, but maybe my solutions are something someone going through a similar situation has not thought of yet.  This is so like me…still trying to help others while I am suppose to be doing this to solely help me. *shrugs* OH WELL! lol
So It begins. My first picture and analysis of the day I have had, what I liked or did not like and what I will do to make tomorrow better.
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then this blog thing should be easy. What can I say about how I feel at the end of this day. I am tired, excited, nervous, and feeling a bit alone. Today wasn’t a bad day. It was probably a very typical day. I was up at the usual time, work at the usual time, and home at the usual time. I am struggling with a couple personal issue. you know,those matters of the heart. School and a love life. Both feel a bit overwhelming at this time. School though, is probably the easier of the two. Someone wanting to be your friend should be a good thing right? I mean friends tend to stick with me longer than any romantic partner that I have had so this is positive. Then why am I so sad about it when I am honest about my feelings?
So one thing I didn’t like about my day was that too much of my mental time was spent thinking about things that I have no control over. So tomorrow I will work on letting go of those life situations that I am not in control of.  I will use the time that I free up to study. The effort that I put into my classes is something that I CAN control so I will focus on that!
Day 1 down, 364 more to go!