Hero (Day 14)

I was totally moved today by the kindness of another. Someone close to me is going SUPER out of their way to help me. My car is having issues that I believe to be related to work that was performed on it this weekend. This very special person has offered to take me to and from work and home everyday until the car is fixed. This outstanding individual has volunteered to go to and from work in the District to Frederick everyday until the problem is resolved. Who does that for someone...VB does. So happy that I have a hero like that on my side. When the offer was made it took all I had not to cry. You only meet someone like this once in a lifetime and I thank God that I was blessed to have met such a person.

Things are going well for me overall. I didn't do very well on my exam but not so poorly that I can't recover. I have a game plan for how to prepare for this class properly.  My brother's wedding is next week. I really am very happy and spool proud of him. Those feelings of dread are melting away regarding that. I just pray his marriage is one that can be an example of what a it should be.

Today's quote is:

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” Albert Einstein

This is how I try to focus my thought especially when I am going through rough spots in my life. Everything we go through can teach us something. Never let a lesson from what you have gone through in the past go unmastered. Do not waste the time right here and now that you are blessed with doing nothing to make today better than yesterday. Then, even though tomorrow isn't promised, have hope that if you get the chance things will get better and you will progress. Negative things come from negative people. Circumstances don't make you negative. I have met people who have and are going through things that I don't think I could handle. They still smile, are kind to EVERYONE around them, and still have hope for tomorrow. Your situation is not an excuse. Choose to be positive. Also, sometimes you have to let go of negative people and situations. When you do joy and positive things will return to your life.

Today I will do what?...SMILE of course!!! Lol I will also prepare for classes tomorrow and on campus lab that begins this weekend. I am still working on my inner butterfly. Having a group of positive people around you really makes that a lot easier.

14 days down...351 more to go!

Many Beginnings Aren't Bad (Day 13)

This is my first post in many days. I haven't given up just had some bumps in the road. I am so happy now. Happy with myself and with those in my life. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone you meet has the chance to enrich your life if you are able to see what it is God wants you to learn. Some people are meant for a season and others a lifetime.
Just because I have stopped writing for a bit doesn't mean I have failed. I started this as a journey of self discovery and I vow to have 365 posts even if it means it will take me more than 365 days to do it. The end of something just means that another beginning is about to start. Another chance to learn from mistakes and work towards your goals.
Today's quote is:
"What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly." ~Lao Tzu~
This is very true. I feel like I am that caterpillar. I don't really know how beautiful I will be come when this is all over but I know that something is changing inside me. I don't have to say that this is my year. Everyday I live is a blessing and mine because God gave it to me. It is my responsibility to make it better than the day before.
I will try my best to smile. It has been a lot easier lately. I would be lying if I denied VB was a major reason for that. I will work on the changes I need to make on the inside so that I can change into the most beautiful butterfly that I can be when I am ready. I also need to adjust how I study for my classes. I have gotten a couple new "toys" to help with this.
13 days down...352 more to go!

Hobbling Queen (Day 12)

 

I did it I made it through the day no back downs from my fears or life's stresses. That is all I really want to say about today. The weather was very nice and I wish that I could have enjoyed more of it. I met with my stress lab partner tonight. We had to develop a group therapy session with the topic of meditation. My partner did an excellent job of getting the meat of the presentation together for us so it was easy to organize the pieces and find the extra materials such as scripts and music that we would play during one of the exercises.

Today's quote is

"Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life."

Herbert Otto

I picked this quote because I think it kind of sums up the place I am in my life and why I am even writing this blog. You can not experience a change or growth in your life or as a person if you continue to do things the way you have always done them. I needed something to challenge me so I have committed to writing an entry everyday...no matter how tardy...lol and I am taking a risk by making my "growing pains" public.

Tomorrow I will keep the quote from today in mind when I face adversity. I will let it remind me of why I am doing or experiencing some of the things that I have been. I will be positive about tomorrow's class and fully participate in my classmate's sessions. Oh...and of course smile.

Day 12 down...353 more to go!

Better (Day 11)

I ended today feeling better than I started it which is a great thing. Rough but needed conversations took place. I learned that I need to work harder at letting my thoughts and feelings out. If I have to I will write it down and make sure to verbalize it. I felt really heavy emotionally. I am so easily able to get my feelings out in this blog because I can take my time to write it. It is less stressful than a conversation because I don't have to understand and express what I am feeling instantly. I am what is termed an "internal processor" Visit this blog Personality Types and scroll down to type #3. That is me all the way except that I am not shy nor do I feel overwhelmed at parties or gatherings. I am asking those around me to take that into consideration. That is how I process information and is a part of who I am. Everyone is different and one type is no better than another. It is not a negative thing or a positive thing it is just me.

The dress fitting went well. My friend drove me and met my mother when I went to pick up the dress. The meeting went well, whew! *wipes forehead* I didn’t think that it wouldn’t you just never know. lol The fitting itself went very well except for the $120+ dollars it cost me! The dress itself was the same price, *sigh* oh well... I will have to wear flats...boo! My mother, not the bride or groom, but my mother says that I must cover my tattoo. I don't want to. It will be a hassle for nothing. We will see how that goes. If she wants it covered she can buy the makeup and apply it as well. I go back on the 4th of March to try on the finished product. I did well at the store personally as well. I had sad feelings hit me for just a second walking past the brides-to-be but I squashed it and moved on. I was proud of myself.

I didn't smile as much today as I would have liked but it was an improvement over yesterday. I am going to end with a quote and talk about what it means to me and how I will apply it to my day tomorrow. S/O to KP for the suggestion!

 

“He who limps is still walking”

                                      – Stanislaw J. Lec

I selected this because I felt like I am limping through life emotionally at times. When I have a not so good day I feel defeated and like I am not going anywhere. But the quote is true though my movements my not be perfect and it is harder for me than maybe someone else I am still living and making forward progress "walking" each day. I am only defeated when I sit out of life by withdrawing and losing focus on my goals. So with that said, tomorrow I will not sit out of life. I will not let myself have any moments where I withdraw or go so deep into my grief that I loose sight of my goals.

Day 11 down...354 more to go!

Drowning (Day 10)

I am sinking to the bottom of an emotional pool. Between work, my exam, and conversations I have had today I feel like I am drowning. I am not a strong swimmer. I don't think I expect too much from life or those in it. I really give my personal relationships my all. I am hoping to one day get some of the which I have sowed back. I pray I have a harvest season soon. My tank is quite empty.

Everyday one usually hopes to be closer to their dreams like goapele but I just feel further away. Saying to myself that I am beautiful, strong, and loved feels like lies today. I know this thought is irrational but it is one of those days. I sometimes feel like if those things were true I wouldn't be such a mess on the inside and that I would have a better half by now. I know God loves me and for that alone I should be overjoyed...It makes me feel bad that I'm not. Low self-esteem runs in a vicious cycle for me. I feel bad about me...that makes me feel bad that I am not stronger...which in turn makes me feel worse... I will feel better tomorrow. Actually I am feeling a little better as I write. This is actually very therapeutic for me.

I get my Bridesmaid dress sized for alterations tomorrow evening. Trying not to let that stress me out. I want to stay positive or I won't make it through the wedding. I will talk about how it goes tomorrow. It will be nice to see my mother. I haven't seen her since I went to buy the gown about a month ago.

Today I didn't smile as much during the day. I had a lot on my mind and it distracted me from my goal...Speaking of goals I passed my first exam with a B! No day ever has no positive. I just have to remember to hold on to those things instead of the negative. Tomorrow I will definitely be SMILING like I set out to do and stoping all negative thoughts immediately.

Day 10 down...355 more to go!

Helplessness (Day 9)

Above is me practicing smiling even when the inside doesn't match. Today was not a good day. Last night ended on a strange note that carried into the morning and throughout the day. The person that I spent Valentine's Day with is having trouble really trusting me. I am not upset for the recent reason that caused the thoughts of mistrust...I can see how he felt that way. I just hope that he really looks at our situation and how I am everyday and sees that I am honest with him. I am not the "player" type. I am a genuine person and I put to much out for the one I love to be spreading that kind of effort around town. Yes, I have options, time, and space but I CHOOSE him. He completes me in a way that no one else ever has. He challenges me to be a better woman and loves me for who I am. I feel hopeless because I can't make him trust me...this would be easier for me to deal with if I actually was up to no good. Then I would feel that the mistrust is warranted and that I deserve not to be spoken to or really trusted. I question whether I will find someone who is willing to let me all the way in and be my partner in this crazy thing called life. Just another issue I try to deal with everyday.

I can be very honest here and say that I struggle with trust as well. Your past does effect the person you are and how guarded you are in certain situations. I know many women are after him. We live a hour apart. I don't know for 100% what goes on with him when he is not here. I only know what I am told. I could be one of many. I was lucky enough to get V-day night, but who got the day time before me, and who gets today, tomorrow, and the next days until I see him again. There are many other thoughts that I could let ruin my day. I could let them race through my mind and consume me...but I don't. Why? I trust him. I have to. If I don't why be with him? He has given me no reason to doubt him so I take his word as truth. So though my past experiences tell me that everything that runs through my head is POSSIBLE it in highly IMPROBABLE based on the person he has shown me. Trusting another like that is a choice like everything in life. I am choosing to smile through my day, I am choosing to continue to write this blog, and I am choosing to love. I have plenty of past reasons not to trust or love like this anymore but I don't want that kind of life. I want to live, really live so I fight my fears and let myself go. The risk is worth the greatness of the potential outcome.

So yea...today...not so good... Test is tomorrow...as evidenced from the past blogs, my mind has not been in the books. I have to study tonight. The devil is a trip. He knows that when I go through emotional things I have the hardest time studying and focusing. I just want to sleep when I am down. I am writing this now feeling a bit sad and nervous, wanting just to sleep the heartache away. I will not let him win! The devil is defeated in Jesus' name. I have power and dominion over him through the power of the Blood of Christ and the Word that is Him. Thank you Lord in advance for carrying me through this exam to come. I know I will see a positive result in the end thanks to Your Grace and Mercy, Amen.

Tomorrow I will be focused and more prayerful. I also will pass my exam and feel better about my self and my personal situation. It is confusing but I trust that clarity will come soon enough. I will continue to smile. I choose to be happy!

Day 9 down...356 more to go!

Excited (Day 8)

Today is Valentine's Day. Pretty excited and nervous about it. I am actually spending it with someone that I really love and I though I show him love every time I see him I want to it to be a little more special this time. I have been running around since yesterday to make sure I had everything I needed so that he would be content upon his arrival. I called ahead for sushi from my favorite spot so I wouldn't have to wait and make it home in plenty of time to prepare. I have a really cute card and wrote from my heart in it. I know he loves me as well so the extra effort and time is more than worth it.

I really didn't want to have the "V-Day sucks" attitude that I normally have each year. I usually have felt that way even when i was with someone. I guess I usually don't feel loved throughout the year so on the day when even the worst guy shows his girl love...and I wasn't getting any...made me a little bitter. Bitter is for losers and I am a winner! lol So none of that this year. It doesn't matter if some guy shows me love or not. I love myself and God loves me so I am more than good. :-)

I smiled today and said hello as planned. It is really becoming a natural thing for me and I am doing it more instinctively now. There really are benefits to doing it. I challenge everyone who reads this to try it right now! lol I did fight a moment of negative thinking but I crushed it immediately and moved on. No tears today!!! That is always a good thing. Tomorrow I plan to stay positive and hopefully be running off of a high from tonight. :-)

Day 8 down...357 more to go!